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You know the parent is deliberately being controlling if that wont work for me gets any variation on, BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY. And maybe just dont think of the flip side where the question could potentially add more pressure. So nowadays Ill say something like Im probably going to do [X], but thats not urgent if you want to hang out instead! or I need to do [X] but I have time for a quick dinner if youre interested. (People who are not the boything get oh, Ive got laundry because theres almost nobody else Im willing to make same-day plans with. Demanding person: Are you busy this weekend? Silly Friend: do you want to do (thing)? Soft invites in my friend circle are more just a mutually understood shorthand for I value your friendship so Im going to express a genuine desire to hang out even were both depressed and introverted and therefore the likelihood of this actually happening is pretty low.. 1) Let the weekend memes begin! 3. Well, have fun whatever you end up doing / decide to do. I dont use it myself because I dont like the way it comes across. Try delaying your answer and then see if taking the pressure off yourself to answer the question or commit to stuff helps you feel less annoyed by this question. (A couple of these people suuuucked like, I thought I was safe with studying until a couple of people started telling me that that was interesting because we were in the same classes and they just ~got the material better~ and didnt need to study at all this week. My husbands family is large and I generally love them, but sometimes I just do not want to eat little smokies and chips with 40 other people in a loud house with tons of screaming children. Helen Huntingdon mentioned interruptingI just want to say, thats a helluva an assumption. A playful Why, whats up? is cool, but I am probably not compatible friends with someone whose response to a polite-small-talk/soft-invite-opening is to demand why I am asking such a nosy question. morning (and then bending my ear the whole way up the road, when if we were alone Id be chatting to my kids, and we quite like that) to the point where the doorbell would go and my kids would be saying oh god no, not them again! and Im shushing them, but feel exactly the same way. Its funny I dont even register the question How are you? (Ive lived equal times on the West and East coasts of the US), but I see a couple of UK commenters upthread and when I lived there I never, ever got used to You alright? which, functionally, isnt that different. Just ask! My MIL does thatshe asks DH if we can come to dinner, and he says, Ill have to ask Toots. Then she calls me and asks me, and I say, I have to ask DH. Really early on, she did this, and then laughed at my answer and said, I asked him, and he said he had to ask you. But sometimes its manipulative, as LW also said. Figuring out how my plans fit together is my problem, not anyone elses. Clearly, I am not giving him the answer he wants, but I dont particularly want to keep having the conversation. If Im bothered by the question, I usually answer back with why ? or why do you ask ?. Its mostly me trying to figure out a friends general level of free time and not impose if theyre busy or dealing with a crisis. Humor is one of the best ways to respond to being asked out, as long as it's well-received. Brief excerpts (<250 words) may be shared with attribution & a link to the original post. Anything fun planned? If you both talk about what to do in the garden (I know you probably dont own one, its an example), is it a conversation like I want to plant radishes Well, I want to plant flowers Fine, then we plant one half with flowers of your choice and one half with radishes and everyone waters everything? So if theyre just chatting youve invited them to talk about their own weekend, and if they are in fact leading up to an invitation, then youve been vague about whether nothing interesting means lots of chores, or free time. You're not obligated to tell others your plans for the future, if you even have them. Its just a formulaic greeting. Yes, exactly. Every time you see Pushy Neighbor, you go into this mode. Any/all such inquiries get an automatic Unsure have to ask my other half., Sans that Id just go with Unsure. friend/person/both: Im in the worst fucking mood and heres why. Or at least, it will be seen as rude by many people that I know and had had this conversation with. *drops a house on MLM guy*, Heh. I want to ask you to help me with a project tonight. Which has been said in other comments and is important enough to say again. The first time I posted a little comment showed up saying that my comment was pending mod review since it was my first comment but I dont see one of those now. It gets exhausting dealing with Got any plans this weekend? starting on Wednesday and then What did you do this weekend? again on Monday. Me? If the person you're talking to has seen Doctor Horrible's Sing Along Blog, they'll appreciate the joke. Its totally true that you can opt out of those things. Crossword puzzles, chess, sudoku, or other puzzle games Cooking Travel Gardening Art, music, crafts, writing, podcasting I guess its a cultural thing, I come from a non-English speaking country in Europe and here, I feel, admitting that you dont have Plans-Plans, and then declining an invitation, would be seen as pretty rude. I too wish I had the strength & Phoebe confidence to pull of that line. I know theyre just trying to be friendly but it gets exhausting that starting Wednesday I have to deal with so what are you up to this weekend and then AGAIN on Monday what did you do this weekend? (So I guess Tuesday is the only day safe from that question, ha. "When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark." 2. And that goes triple if youre less privileged. Yeah, my parents did that too. Like now? My introvert self doesnt like last-minute extroverting.). So yeah, I think your Swedish approach is fairly standard for American culture as well. Obviously Im talking here about people Im friendly with, not friend-friends, but I cant imagine having got to the stage of being friends with someone who was inclined to rebuff me expressing interest in their life. There are several possible moves in response to this gambit. It took some practice, but I always try to give an out for people, especially since I have a group of Japanese friends where theyre used to giving a soft no. Others also have lives to plan and need to know (cancel event, find someone else, make other plans). Me: No can do. I then fully expect to be the person who takes the next step of saying yay! I probably picked it up from my mom, who does the same thing. Well, now I know? Amusing to think of borrowing a line from upthread: Well, it sounds like youre inviting me to something interesting! That is my current standard response. 2, They ask assuming Im also from somwhere else, prepared to bond over that and my answer is almost always a small dissapointment and Im never sure quite what to do with that. YOU WILL NEVER FORGET THIS VIDEO. No useful data is exchanged, its just polite social grease to ease people along in their day without ignoring each other (which is definitely read as rude). I understand how it can be othering and I never ask anyone where theyre from first. Opposite of what I want . Thats the kind of bullshit that is so often behind the oh Im so nice to your differentness behavior belief that you shouldnt be what you are, and that you probably did something not right to get there. You get to notice pretty fast that your opinions, feelings and thoughts dont matter if they dont conform to a view of the world that doesnt let them look like heroes and you like a cultural clich. Maybe shorter comments go through immediately but longer ones need mod-approval? Why do I feel entitled to some assistance or attention from the 24-year-old who lives in my home, taking up space, who pays nothing and does no chores (because shes too unreliable, and Id just be nagging at her, or doing them for her and pissing her off)? I loathe this question, and Ive been getting it a lot lately. I have one dear friend in particular that has the busiest social life I know. I might hang out with some friends on Sunday. If someone just using what are you doing on __ as a casual opening to issue an invite, it gives them the opening they need. You don't want to end up like your crazy aunt who keeps asking you the same question during every holiday dinner. Why do you ask? Its a polite way of communicating WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? My go-to script for these (which I HATE) is an equally noncommittal, Why, whats up? Im not saying I do or dont have plans, but Im going to figure out why theyre asking me the question. I automatically ask this without thinking about it pretty often. I also find why do you ask? really handy as a polite way to signal someone is being nosy. Her dad would not agree with a move to force her to move out. Rather than rushing to respond, taking the time to understand what they mean can improve the quality of your response. For the record, I will totally cat-sit for you. What are you doing this weekend? It was glorious. Why do you ask? is my go-to response as well. Good old traffic, Ill probably be stuck out all day!, or Nope, gotta get the groceries, what about you?, or Nah, looking forward to some peace and quiet, hows your Wednesday looking?. Now when he asks I say party like a rock star. Ive found that Why do you ask? comes across as a little cold or accusatory over text, but can be really warm/ friendly in person or over the phone. I used to get really annoyed with this question from my sister, specifically, for the reasons LW gives. You may also eagerly seize on these options and/or provide some of your own., (2) Hey, Im looking for someone to cat-sit while Im out of town for the next three months. k. Yes, I think theres a fairly clear difference between people who ask as small talk (for example, when youre both waiting for the microwave in the staffroom, or waiting at the bus stop after work) and when its done how LW specifies. Take care of your boundaries! I use the phrase same old stuff! In this situation. And Im totally ok with that. Its been pretty good policy.) Sometimes this takes several rounds before everyone realizes theyve done their line but missed their cue. The Captain covered it with saying the question isnt going away. It sounds like he'd get into some fun and adventurous dates. And the balls in their court if they were actually trying to set up something fun. Funny Responses to "What Are You Doing?" I love having something witty, funny, or even sarcastic cued up in response to one of the most common questions asked in any given day. I disagree concerning the Where are you from? part. ! OH ME TOO. Especially since shes not working during the dayshe only HAS leisure time.). If youd rather not, I would love to immediately pretend this never happened and talk about dinosaurs for the next ten minutes, and then never bring it up again. I think a more appropriate reaction would be to apologize once, politely, then go away and process what I did wrong by myself. None of us see each other over weekends. Open your mouth and close your eyes andhold on, it got away., (1) Want to have dinner sometime? For people I know, the answer is closer to what you say is the norm in Sweden anything from Having a truly awesome day to Need more coffee to counteract the baby waking up an hour before the alarm. For close friends, I can and have answered with details about what the brain weasels are up to today. And then deflect back on to them. Given that the cousin is seeking babysitting, What are you doing on Thursday, followed by, Great, youre available to babysit for me! is an incredibly rude and pushy way to go about asking for that favor. My response if Im up for it is Looking like a fun one, but did you have something in mind? If Im probably not up for it I say All the things! However, if you and/or your husband have used that phrase in the past where she is included in the We, shes not mishearing you/he are misspeaking. Yep, my wife and I too. Him: Nothing fun? Yeah, I get that it is a soft invitation, but it also feels that the hard invitation has been tossed into my lap. Even when its not meant as a hostile act (merely as an exoticising one thats so cool/I used to want to travel there/is it true that people there do x) being othered never feels welcoming. I think my aunt asks this question for the same reason you do. Ive got[an alligator to befriend, etc]. One thing I think might be getting lost a bit in the discussion is the distinction between asking What are you doing this weekend as small talk indicating Im interested in your life (e.g. For me, laundry is a good excuse, because you can make it seems as small or as big as youd like. You know the people youre interacting with and their likely motivations better than we do, of course. And when I say angling, it might not be in a cornering way. I usually just respond with I have tentative plans with a friend why do you ask? Lots of wiggle room there. after reading a ton of CAs archives I feel comfortable telling people, Im up to nothing both Saturday and Sunday, and I CANNOT WAIT. Jana: It's ok. I'll catch you later. Im struggling not so much w/ her being at home as I am w/ my worries about her, and with trying to decide whats the best thing for me to doapply pressure? Its 2018. Ive been loving all your responses on this thread. Numbered point 4 specifically says LW doesnt understand why people are asking this, hence the many explanations of different reasons people ask, and while the possible manipulation is noted in numbered points 2 and 3, its not the only thing LW is asking about, while point 3 suggests to me that LW may well be reading manipulation into cases where people are just curious or are actually trying to do the planning themselves (by finding out if LW is even available for a possible activity), not trying to make zir do the planning, as ze suspects. Many of your comments in this thread have, in fact. Im not sure it would work on modern creepy dudes. If one of us is dropping the ball about getting back to you, say so. When exercising the advantages of a perceived difference in class or power, however, refraining from using or responding how are you? is an old patrician tactic designed to keep the interlocutor in her place. Then they can ask for details to make up their minds, or just shut you down with a no of preferred firmness if the event doesnt appeal. I too have found that nobody seems offended if I respond with a cheerful: Why? Without answering their question at all. If the other person isnt in a chatty mood, we go comfortably silent after a few pleasantries because the Small Talk Gods have been appeased. 200 Sarcastic Quotes 1. a coworker you dont hang out with outside of work asking this question on a Friday) and as a pre-request/invitation. The cousin wanting a servant. My nightmare would be something like this: Them: My 6 year old daughter and her class are putting together a full rundown of the classic opera La Traviata in the original Italian and itll end at 11PM on a weekday. I have a couple of friends/acquaintances(sp? Because everybodys got something. Everyone knows most people mean it well, its small talk, etc but these things ARE not nice to be the receiver of. No way. Alternatively were just going to have to start getting out of bed earlier so we dont run into them, but I suspect that if she realised we were doing that she might actually change her own schedule. Im glad youre no longer friends with that jerk. Most dont mean to be manipulative, and if thats not their intention, Why, whats up? wont bother them in the slightest, nor will never finding out what you actually are doing next Thursday or what you did with that time if you turned them down. I also (insert similar hobby or interest). But its also true I can (usually) reorganize my schedule enough to accommodate plans I want to attend. I want collaborators, not pupils. Can you babysit for me? Oh, Im sorry, but Im visiting my in-laws that day. It can feel and be interpreted as quite awkward/rude/offensive/surprising to respond with just No, I dont want to or No, Im not up for that Of course it would be so much healthier if everyone we interact with had taken Captain Awkward 101: Accepting Refusals Gracefully, but the fact is, for many people its much more comfortable to offer an excuse to soften a no. Indeed. Sorry about that! When you joined a new job and your team leader or boss asked you about how you're doing, this is your honest answer and a way to show your enthusiasm. And I think for online dating purposes Im going to assume #2 unless I get significant evidence otherwise. Well, here's that question again: do you know what you want to do with your life or are you still trying to figure it out? But really those friends should elaborate: What are you doing this weekend? Want to go to the turnip festival with me or are you busy? Well, Im not busy but I also dont want to go to any turnip festival ever. Indeed, I often hear it as an attempt to trap me into doing something. Im trying to train her out of the habit. With friends, I might have the motive of finding time to hang, but often its just to find something to talk about. I also trained myself to say, Oh just marathoning *show I like* or I picked up a new book and cant wait to dive in! which they translate to doing a thing. (I suppose they thought that before I responded that way. Ive seen cat vacuuming most often as being what you do before you can sit down to write. Lets do it.). And it happens often enough, with friends/family/acquaintances, that it can get annoying, but I generally dont jump straight to why do you ask unless theyve previously over-stepped in presuming my time was theirs since Im doing nothing (that I want them to know about or feel like talking about). (My brother and sister in particular also had to learn from both their friends and myself that, just because they love me and love them doesnt mean that were all friends) I could only imagine if that question were followed by an expectation of service or freedom to assume I was going to a thing. What a mess. Have a very happy weekend! As for rentpart of my problem with that is: I would never, ever rent a room to a non-family member.